So there's this idiot see...

As you should be aware at this point from the rest of the site, I'm divorced.

More yays of course is the post-marriage marriage to Raiem which hit Anno Domini the first December thirteenth 2006. Much to the chagrin of my former, lesser chosen bride, who has also since remarried.

Well, sortof. Inasmuch as anyone can claim a barn animal as a spouse, Wysp, also known as willow_wisp@hotmail.com, also known as Penny, sometimes referred to as, " that stupid bitch you used to have in your house" managed to find something willing to have a go at her, namely Farmer_Chad, who may or may not also be called Chaddy. That his last name is Quick, and neither of them is particularly, is an exercise in cosmic humor.

One could ask why I've waited so long to put anything up about the insulubrious little carp, and the answer to that is: I WANT TO SEE MY DAUGHTER GODDAMMIT.

In the court enforceable, legally binding, written in goddamned stone divorce decree there exists a parenting agreement regarding Ember, the daughter who claims the misfortune of having been ejected from within this abominable frost queen. In said parenting plan it is agreed that we will have a co-custody situation, in which I have Ember one week, and Penny, my usually furry ex-wife will have her the next, and so on. She's been violating that agreement now for three and a half months. More on that later.

As is typical of me, I want now to take you back in time, to the age of madness in which I decided it might be a good idea to get legally bound in the eyes of a bunch of people I don't really like very much to this homely little tart and her bullshit drama.

Unfortunately, in order to do that, I'm going to have to tell one story, to tell another story, to tell yet another story... ad infinitum... Let's see what I can do here...

Okay... Deep breath... Begin.

So there's this idiot see...

Tiffany. Back in the days of yore known as 1994 I, the great and powerful Oz... Swyn, was known as the man about town... Insomauch as I was the guy with a car and a license. Let's see, in 1994 I was eighteen going on twelve. Due to living a life that would destroy the average emo-kid's drive to blog, or journal, or whatever the hell it is you weird little maggots do, I was not the most popular guy around. I had been at one time, but that was a year prior in another part of the world known as B.F.E. Tennessee... We might get back to that in another rant, hopefully not. Anyway, Here in the Land of Dairy Queen... Denver I was known as... Actually, I wasn't really known so much as shunned and reviled.

So I didn't have many friends, which is fine, I prefer smaller groups. My best buddy at the time was Jeff. Not my first choice I assure you, I'd have preferred someone with at least two horsepower in the brain department, but sometimes, you have to make due with what's available. Sadly, what was available was Jeff. True fact: Jeff was once outsmarted by a character in a VHS copy of The Land Before Time. Due in large part to his inability to understand what time is, and not in small part to being functionally retarded by MENSA standards. Everyone has that one friend, or aquaintance that they allow to orbit about sleepily because it's occasionally useful to make fun of them to avoid total boredom. " I am a reusable slice of pizza."

I have no idea what that means, but there it is.

The only reason I bring Jeff up at all, is that at some point, after scoring my own brand new girlfriend, namely Colleen, she of the big bouncy twin planetoids, I met Jeff's cousin Tiffany. I'm not going into any depth with the Colleen situation, mostly due to a very minor connection, which I will mention eventually. Suffice to say that, if not for this silly little cartoon that is my life, Colleen was probably the right one... For that time. I prefer them with curves, Colleen's were dangerous. I like the boobies, Colleen's were... well anyway, the point is that this was the chick that managed to mess up the shocks on the rear of my Oldsmobile when we were parked. Whee.

Now let me scroll up and find my place in the saga again...

Okay, um, yeah... I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday and Sunday to finish those TPS reports...

So there are these idiots see...

I was at Jeff's one day, met a girl, drove her home, met her again, drove her home... This goes on for a bit. Then one night, I didn't drive her home. Instead, I drove her into a bedpost in Jeff's room. Couldn't be helped. I ended up, not for the first time, having multiple girlfriends. Tiffany knew about Colleen, Colleen knew I was hers and hers alone.

Six months of this happens, and then: " Hey, man, get up, we have to get over to my cousin's birthday party." This was how Jeff woke me after a night of finding the bottom of a bottle of jaeger. So smooth. To which my reply was something to the effect of: " No, we're going to Tiffany's.. birthday... (imagine that record player slowing down noise, like KITT from Knight Rider losing power)Waitaminute. Tiffany is your cousin!?!"

Many years prior I had met Jeff's cousin Christy, who had been my age, also hot, also another Days of Our Lives script. More importantly, I had, when younger, also met Christy's younger sister... Tiffany. " Your cousin. [stop] Tiffany. [stop] What is she now, twelve?"

" No, today she turns fifteen."

After checking with her on my arrival at her party, yep, you betcha, yours truly, at the ripe old age of nineteen going on statutory had been banging a fourteen year old. I'm so proud...

Which wasn't the real problem, I could have ended it right there... The real problem was two-fold: On the one hand, she said she'd tell her step dad about it if I broke up with her. On the minute hand her step dad was a Denverian fucking cop.

On the second hand, I got to break up with Colleen, who, later attempted to get back with me by going out with Jeff. No idea.

So ten months with the little underage tramp later, she goes and fucks a bunch of guys at a party, then when I find out she tells me they raped her, I looked into their background, that fit their M.O. Nick Whatsisname and Nima...Neemah... Captain Nemo were known around the area for raping younger girls. I got in their face about that once, and the good captain, who was approximately the height of Pippin from Lord of the Rings, and less terrifying, climbed up my shirt, looked up into my eyes with his Laura Bryant sunglasses and said, " If you mess with the guild, the guild messes with you."

Apparently I'd managed to piss off the carpenter's union local 1001 or something. I had no idea the union covered leprechauns.

To make this less long, turns out she liked her gang bang, and broke up with me.I was kindof a mess for awhile, it was 1995 at this point... Cue Penny the wonder dummy and her fantastic magic... Fuckit, send in Rebound Girl!

From the farthest reaches of the galaxy comes Rebound Girl! With the amasing stupendous ability to stare doe eyed into oncoming traffic, leap small blades of grass without hurting any cute and funny buzzies, it's Rebound Girl!

Rebound Girl is a virgin... And no, I wasn't happy about that. Every time I end up with one of those, they end up being nymphomaniacal crazed psychopaths. For more information on virgins versus nymphomaniacal crazed psychopaths, see also Tiffany Trout the trailer queen, or consult your local Gremlin.

Penny was Rebound Girl. With the amazing ability to suck like no horrible thing has sucked before. We ended up hooked up because every friend she had worked for me at a local pizza joint. I went to Rocky Horror with them each weekend, ended up on the cast, which is to say that I very occasionally played Riff Raff, but was primarily the Emcee fucking with the crowd.

Speaking of Gremlin this was how and where we met. Also of note, he was the only friend that would, over the course of the next five years, warn me not to do what I ended up doing. Fuck the rest of you, grow a scrotum.

Now, I don't want to go into any more than I have to here... Sure it's already too late for that, but hey, at least I've noticed...

Penny, A.K.A. the Yeti, and I ended up going out for a couple of years, then, eventually, moving in together. At which point I became violently ill. Let's see, I was twenty-one when that happened, and twenty-seven by the end of the illness. During this time I was unable to hold a job for more than a few weeks. I ended up spending most of my time at Charon's, that way, if anything happened and I needed a trip to the E.R. his mom who had the most horrible crush on me could take me to the hospital. Wonder Cunt worked quite a bit, and slept when that wasn't happening, so me not being at the apartment was for the best anyway. At some point during this time, Gremlin brings a few different girls home (read: Charon's) from his voyages to the far off magical land of Des Moines, IA. A wonderland of meth-whores and available women, with naught to do but watch the local bands, go to parties, and watch a LOT of porn.

One such freak was Tyanne. He'd had Tyanne with him in Denver for all of ten hours when I awoke with her on my bed propositioning me for sex. That she was no real difference from Penny in shape or appearance was kindof a put off. That unlike wilted_wisp she enjoyed sex and wanted as much as possible was an oddity. That she bothered me for it on multiple occasions was a given. That I'm the only one of Gremlin's 'friends' to deny her is a matter of record.

Somehow this chick and water_wasp ended up being best friends... Then, after coaching Tyanne through labor, my then girlthing discovered Tyanne's constant come ons to me. That ended.

Eventually, Gremlin came back from an expedition to the great despondant north with Pandora. Pandora I had met on a previous trip I'd gone on with him. What'sher_weight, having by now become jealous of anything with two X chromosomes to enter Charon's house, as they were " all after me", became really really good friends with Pandora. Irony, since she was perfectly fine with me hanging around Pandora alone, having her over to the apartment alone, and so on, since, in reality Pandora was the only real threat to my relationship, and Pandora knew it. She'd also told me she was into me.

Pay attention, this is how friends actually do things: I kissed her once. Gremlin and I were friends, possibly the only real friends either had in that period. So I NEVER moved, though I so very much wanted to. Pandora was the walking, talking defenition of what I wanted in a woman. Literally every detail. If, at that time, I was asked to write down ten points that would describe my ideal mate, it would look like this:

1. Pandora

2.see above

3.see above

4.see above

5.see above

6.see above

7.see above

8.see above

9.see above

10.see above

Cut to 1999. Pandora and Gremlin had destructed, Pandora had joined the NAVY and during one of the intermissions in my on-again off-again friendship with Gremlin, I had proposed to Weasle_wart.

Here's why that happened.

During my illness, Wither_whisk had stayed. For almost five years, she'd not gone anywhere. This was the longest relationship of my life. I thought I owed it to her for not leaving me. I also was terrified that if she did leave, I'd be alone and sick the rest of my life. Not an appealing prospect. So, for those reasons and those reasons alone, I asked her to marry me.

Because I, Swyndle with a 'y'... wait for it...

... am functionally retarded.

But I'm a good looking dumbass.>:)

In 2000, we were married. And I kid you not, that very day, she turned into something else entirely. Her mother.

I'm fairly certain she expected me to become the spineless, opinionless, servant her father was to her mom, who has the most aggravating voice on earth by the way. But, I didn't. I got off the Paxil and became... Me again. Complete with inability to put up with stupid shit.

Several hellish years later, in august of 2002, we both needed layed at precisely the same time. That nver happened before. I can count on two hands the ammount of times we'd had sex with each other in the full ten years together. but that day, something aligned.

She got pregnant.

Tenth May 2003 she dropped. Ember existed as an autonomous organism.

The baby was great. The mother was not. After three months of off time, she went back to work. Then the trouble really started, full force. At one point we had an argument and she almost punched me while I was holding Ember. I wish she had, things would be easier. I was for most of that year under the delusion that I had to be married to Ember's mother to be Ember's father. By December that changed.

She moved out with the Baby in February of 2004. Took the baby with her. Became an even bigger problem in absentia. As for me, I had a new roomy to help with the rent on the house she'd left me holding the bag on:

That's a different rant. When finally, after nearly three more years the divorce was final, she did a few things. Like move to Mayberry. Lindon... or Lidon... Colorado is less than twenty minute from the Kansas border, her Redneck Chaddy T. Quick but not smart has a family farm he doesn't yet own that they now live on with his parents. Given that she is required by law to tell me within ten days of any move, and I didn't find out until six months later what her address was, given also that she has not allowed me to see Ember now for almost a full four months... given that she gets child support from me in an unfair judgement against a father simply because I have a Y chromosome... Seriously, same amount of time, same amount of financial burden, and I have to pay her... Given that she has now violated every letter of the divorce decree, forced me out of Ember's life and with held the only intellectual in Ember's life from her... Well, that makes her a known criminal.

I wish this had been as therapeutic as my last rant, but unfortunately I'm saddled with the waddling little trollop until Ember is eightteen at the very least.

In other news, she's managed to get knocked up by Chud T. Redneck. The little mutant offspring which has club-foot is due soonish. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for the kid, not only are these two it's parents, but then it also has the added complication of a physical deformity.

Ah well, that's life begetting life on the farm I suppose.

~Swyndle